“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times;
it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness;
it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity;
it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness;
it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair;
we had everything before us, we had nothing before us;
we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way.” — Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities —
September 29th (Monday)
I got dumped.
The whirlwind romance took up 3 months of my life and filled it with equal amounts of laughter and sadness. My ex said I was too obsessed with myself, that I was not the romantic she initially thought I was. She packed her stuffs during the weekend and left the key at the door without a word of goodbye. I guess that was payback for not paying attention to her when she wanted it. It didn’t work out, nor was seeing if it does, turned out to be the adventure I wanted.
Mom said it was for the best. She has seen her fair share of the people in her son’s life coming and going, not a single one managed to last for more than a year. Mom still feels that it wasn’t my fault. I have a stable job, a house of my own and with nary a worry in my life. Yet, forming a long lasting relationship seems to be out of my grasp. It is like you were given keys to the whole house, except for the attic.
On top of that, having the perks of living close to a psychologist, my mom suggested that I try to keep a journal. She says that keeping a journal can be an effective path towards my personal growth. Getting to know myself more intimately opens the door to better understanding my actions and relationships, hopefully, the impetus for positive changes. Unsurprisingly, that was what my ex wanted me to do when she bought me this leather bound Moleskine journal. I think my mistake was getting involved with a woman studying to be a psychologist. Everything that I do get analysed down to the minute detail. Imagine having two psychologists in the house! Utter madness!
So, today of all days, I decided to listen to their advise. A personal milestone I would say. Albeit a little to late to save the relationship. On the other hand, this is me showing them that I am not that obsessed with my opinions all the time and that I was open to suggestions too.
My home became a house overnight. There was no one to look forward to when I came home. For the last three months, my ex would be trying to cook something from the Cooking Channel. It was a surprise every day. Now, when I look at my kitchen, the rows of herbs and spices neatly arranged in alphabetical order and the fully-stocked refrigerator, I wondered, what am I going to do with all these stuffs? I know nothing about cooking.
Luckily, Mom invited me over for dinner. She probably misses me although that is kind of hard to explain when she and Dad stays just within walking distance of my place. She had prepared my favourite dish, she’s Mom after all. She has lived in this world without me, but I have never lived without her. Dad, as usual, minded his own business and the conversation over the dinner table was aimed at the local government ineptitude. When dinner was over, I told Mom to drop by my place and choose what she wants from my fridge before they expire.
It is sad when things don’t work out between two people. One day you were fine, and the next day, you’re strangers. I thought I saw the future in us, but now, in the mirror, all I see is sadness lining my eyelids and that stirring sensation of anger and regret. Her existence is just a chapter in my book. Writing it down feels weird.
How do you end one of these? Till the next time?